Days go by, and still I think about you

As a young child the first true issue most of us struggle with is that of gender identity. As a young boy I found myself infatuated with girls at a rather young age, but I only understood them in my 20s. With that being said I've never been incredibly successful with relationships. I think I'm only half at fault on this matter, while I lacked the maturity to understand their needs I simply don't see how I could have. Since you don't know me, let me clear on thing up. I am the ideal ... well I remember myself as being ... what today I would call the ideal boyfriend. I was a romantic, and completely devoted. I had fantasies of sacrificing my life in moments of heroism. Like a burning building for example. These were childhood fantasies. Later I moved on to Shakespeare. Well eventually I had my heart broken. Than I had it stepped on, again and again. Eventually the romantic died, and the opportunist emerged. Well that side of coin fell apart and the first entry is not to focus on my love life but emphasize the real problem I've yet to solve.

My family was a different story. Well we just never connected and probably never will. Under ideal circumstances we respect each other. That happened much later in life too. We used to fight a lot. Mostly because they had an old school mentality of upbringing and I had different ideas that were never heard or listened. Do I love them? Lets keep it at respect. A deep respect that if the situation called for I would sacrifice myself for them. Although I don't know why. Its the sort of sacrifice that a soldier would do for his king. In a way maybe to find a simple solution to a difficult problem that is life.

Friends... I held them in the highest esteem. I wanted to believe that I could develop the sort of relationship with a friend that was as deep as any one could with family or a lover. After having graduated from a University, I've seen friends move away, join cliques, and simply fall out of touch for any which reason. Still some friendships survived the test of time. I thought that was the real testament of loyalty. I believe as you grow older you become more cynical of the world around you. A theme that may or may not continue. Today I've realized that friendship is artificial. This wasn't a realization over the course of one day, or one week, or a month or a year. This decay slowly, over time. You often don't see it coming when you realize its not there anymore. Worst of all it usually starts with time away from another during which one or both of you in some ways change. You come back to meet someone you don't remember, but as you try and hold onto the past it slips from under you. All that's left is disappointment.

Work. A job. All things we associate with unhappiness. In their very definition they imply hard labor or responsibility to something greater. I had the ambition of being great. Of working hard early, to achieve the sort of greatness that gives back to humanity and leaves your name as one to be remembered. That dream fades quickly during college acceptance. Strong men don't falter, strong men persevere and grow. Grown men don't cry, that's what young boys learn young. Some call it being stubborn and stubborn I became. Against all odds and all possibilities of failure, naive to the fact that others would kill for what I could have had with ease I pursued my dream. A place that I could come to everyday and not watch the digits of time and become lost for those few hours in something I could dedicate my life to. I ended up getting all the skills needed. All the skills I could hope to attain through higher education. I considered myself as one of the best. Sadly the cynic in me grew larger as I've realized that every single decision in this world is influenced and made threw artificial connections and bonds. From game developers to politicians. We rarely higher people we don't know, or give others the opportunity to come out of their box and become comfortable. We often jump to conclusions; we often believe that what makes us comfortable will do the same for others. People don't realize that the person who seems shy, is not shy because he's afraid. Maybe he's shy because he can't find the words to describe that he disagrees without being disagreeable and making you not like them.

So what reason is there for a single man. A man who never found love. Never made any real connections. What does a man do that has found every avenue towards happiness blocked. Work only becomes work when it's no longer fun. While walls are built to keep people out, sometimes climbing them is a questionable pursuit of happiness. Look theirs no answer here. Only a stubborn man. A man who will continue to risk it all. Until the world wins and he dies or maybe he'll find happiness.